Christmas music and movies have always brought me joy year round. As I sit listening to the KLOVE Christmas station my cat, Tank has, hopped into my lap while I wait for the oven to preheat. He’s 19 years old but you wouldn’t know it because he’s still very active and yells out his frustrations at every opportunity. He also just wants to be near me.

Whether he knows the struggle I face everyday, or not, doesn’t matter. Even when he’s yelling at me about seeing the bottom of his food bowl or wanting to go outside, even though my barn cats will follow him around inevitably irritating him enough to come back in, I understand animals way more than humans.

As an introvert who’s got a theater background, even those who’ve known me since birth had no idea that I can go days without needing human contact or conversation. I didn’t know that the “down days”, as I call them, were more than just having a rough day and not part of growing up.

Before you jump to conclusions, my parents are the best and have supported me in all my endeavors, I just didn’t know how to voice what I was dealing with internally nor did I understand (and still don’t) why God would not take away the pain from past trauma.

As a 40 year old woman of faith, who has traveled extensively, lost close friends, been bullied, had amazing once-in-a-life-time experiences, faced the darkest depths of depression and anxiety, and had dreams come and go, I know that one day it’ll all make sense. Today is not that day.

A few weeks ago my favorite chicken, Lucy, a 4 year old black Cochin, was killed by a predator. I’ve lost many hens and roosters in the 7 years I’ve raised chickens but this has sucked the life out of me. I still blame myself for not making repairs on my coop sooner and for not checking on my flock as regularly as I used to. You see, I started a new job 6 months ago, at the same time another “down day” or in this case “down months” hit all at once triggering an unexpected anxiety attack that also caused the proverbial dam to break at my new job. Needless to say I was falling apart and cried out to Jesus because I was drowning and was tired of hitting the emotional repeat button.

Fast forward a few months and I had some clarity during a Christian Women’s Conference (Kerygma Summit) and was getting the pep back into my step, counseling was going much better, and I was ready to deal with the past trauma that had triggered the domino effect.

What I didn’t want to accept was that I can’t just chuck depression and anxiety out the window and pretend that I hit the rewind button to start over. Things were going to be just as heavy and just as hard. When I found Lucy the way I found her all of my walls tumbled down and I fell right back to that deep, dark pit I spent the last few years crawling out of.

I don’t know what the Lord is preparing for me but I know that through the past 6 months I’ve learned a lot about waiting and trusting. My two least favorite subjects that I continually fail at. I’m stubborn, impatient, and want to figure everything thing out so that I have contingency plans for my contingency plans. I’m a creative person to the core which makes my taste in everything weird to most but endearing to others. I’ve been told that I have an “old soul” and that I feel things more deeply than most. It’s a gift. At least that’s what I tell myself.

I don’t have it “all together” but I trust that God knows where all the pieces are and I’ll continue to wait for His timing because when I do it’s much more peaceful and much more filling.