Waiting for God’s timing doesn’t mean I do nothing.

Growing up there are a lot of times spent waiting. Waiting to drive, waiting to graduate high school, waiting to become and adult, waiting to graduate college, waiting to start a career, and waiting to know where to go and what to do when your dreams are shattered. Waiting has become a curse word to a lot of us because we’ve become accustomed to instant results. The “microwave” mentality that everything should be available in thirty seconds or less.

After 40 years of waiting, I’ve come to realize that God’s timing is perfect, HIs plans for me are precise, and His ways are not always going to be what I want them to be because He knows more about me than I know about myself. During every season of my life, I’ve ran away from things that I couldn’t control or plan for because I didn’t want to fail or disappoint those who’ve believed in my abilities.

I’ve always enjoyed being “backstage” when it comes to leadership roles. In other words, I prefer to lead in the shadows. If it required me to be seen as a leader, I would decline the position. Emotionally, I’ve not been able to see what’s right in front of me. Put me on stage speaking to a few hundred people was way easier than being the leader of a business or group. I’m much more comfortable being the assistant or sounding board than the mouthpiece and teacher for others.

Ironically, I have a theater background and spent 30 years on stage, backstage, or part of the team creating some aspect of the show. I miss acting and the atmosphere of the theater very much but about 11 years ago I realized that my very real debilitating depression, that I did not acknowledge, was eating me from the inside out and I completely shut down. My theater background provided the means to “hide” behind whatever character I needed to be in order to function on a daily basis.

For 30 years I kept pushing every traumatic event into a closest, praying that God would just throw it away and I would never have to deal with it. For those of you who’ve done the same know that that’s not how God intends us to process trauma. I’m stubborn by nature and was pretty sure that I would be the exception to the “rule” however, upon discovering just how wrong I was I also learned that waiting for God did not mean I sit around expecting something to happen.

Waiting required me to seek counseling so that I could work on processing that trauma. Waiting pushed me to allow others to help me pick up the pieces and put my heart back together without hiding behind a mask. Waiting taught me that my dreams and passions matter to Jesus and are not to be discarded when I’m experiencing brokenness. And above all, waiting meant trusting that God was working in my life and preparing my heart for what is to come.

Waiting is the hardest part of life but trusting that God’s not done is the icing on the cake.

Jeremiah 29:11