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Many Skills, Master of None

  • An Unexpected Magnet

    April 28th, 2024

    You may not call the people in your life that you’re instinctively drawn to, who can look at you and know something’s wrong, or who knows what you need to hear a magnet. These people are such an abnormally strong pull that is the only way I can describe what they are to me. These women have counseled me through the suicidal times, the PTSD that I didn’t want to have, let alone start the long hard road towards freedom from those terrifying moments that would trigger uncontrollable panic, depression, or wanting to crawl back into that deep dark pit I had grown accustomed too. These women saw through my performance and were not going to allow me to continue hiding behind a character.

    I thought I had all the magnets I needed or wanted. I didn’t think there would be anymore because magnets can see through the pain, struggles, and fears I deal with on a daily basis. I honestly didn’t want any more magnets because I was tired of crying, fighting, acting, praying, and dreaming. I didn’t believe God would send me anymore because I couldn’t handle more. I just wanted to stay in the safety and comfort of the familiar. I didn’t want to dig any deeper into my emotional cup because I was getting close to the bottom, where all the darkness started and where I would have to strip down to the core. Where I would have to break again in order to feel, see, and hear what I was afraid God was calling me to do; to have complete and utter faith in His plans for me.

    I recently volunteered for Kerygma Summit (kerygmasummit.com) running the merch table for one of the speakers. I had met her at last year’s conference and before her breakout session started, we chatted briefly and would wave when we’d see each other in between sessions but I was extremely stressed and guarded during the conference and didn’t allow anyone to break that wall for fear of being seen as a failure. I don’t know if I already could feel that pull towards her then but I could relate to her because she also had a theater background. I thought nothing more about it. After all, she’s on my favorite podcast and it was nice to meet her but that’s all there will be and I was thankful.

    I was originally assigned to another speaker’s table, but due to some last-minute changes, I was assigned to hers. I laughed because I’d been praying for an opportunity to attend her break-out session this year and possibly chat again. I, in no way, was expecting what I experienced over the next three days. All I wanted to do was serve wherever and however I was needed. I just wanted to work. I just wanted to make sure everyone else was taken care of and that whatever you needed, I would jump in 1,000%. I knew that these three days would be good, and a few days away from what I was struggling to understand might give me a chance to reset. What I got was way more than a reset, and I don’t know how to describe the kind of surprised joy I felt during those days.

    If you’ve never worked on an event like this, typically, the speakers are not involved with setting up their merch tables because there’s a lot that they do before, during, and after the event. So, I was surprised that she helped her assistant set up her table and then made sure I got the 4-1-1 on all the prices and how her payment system worked and thanked me for just being there. As soon as she started talking to me and wanted to get to know me, I felt it. That unmistakable pull to spill the emotional baggage I was desperately trying to keep in the overhead compartment.

    Why? Why would God choose this woman, whom I only knew through a podcast and a brief chat a year ago, to be another magnet? I didn’t want anymore. I had just started to accept that my dreams were to remain small, that my passions and gifts were to be used occasionally, and that I was to be content where I was and to just keep waiting. This woman was a light when I needed it the most. She didn’t need to set up her table, make sure I was okay, or even make time to surprise fans by hanging out for a few minutes to sign her books they just purchased.

    Each day, she would tell me that she appreciated what I was doing for her; all the while, God spoke through her to finally break me. He broke me to the core. He knew that I was waiting for something completely different. He knew that the words He prompted this woman to look me in the eyes and say would rattle me to the bones. He knew that those three days would bring clarity to what He’s called me to do. I have never been told that my gifts, talents, and passions were more than I believed them to be, that they were part of who I am no matter my doubts about how to use them, and that the pull I have towards them is valid and affirmed in Christ. I finally removed the wax from my ears and heard what I’d been so afraid to believe was possible and where God was calling me.

    I will be forever grateful to this woman who went out of her way for a stranger who just wanted to serve whoever and wherever I was needed. Her kindness, compassion, and ability to see what God sees in others have humbled me and shown me that no dream is too small, no gift is wasted, and no passion is worthless.

    • Jeremiah 29:11
  • It Is Finished

    March 31st, 2024

    The third day. The day everything changed. The day He, a man, defeated death. A man who claimed to be the Son of God, fully man, fully God, completely perfect. How do I tell someone that He is alive when they want proof? How do I show them that He’s not in the grave no longer? I’ve never seen Him but I’ve felt His presence, protection, and guidance. I’ve seen His love for me and everyone on the earth, bring people together, the lost are found, the hurting are comforted, and the fatherless receive a Father above them all.

    The historical accounts of His life and ministry were not just a record but a living, breathing, testament that what He set out to do, teach, and be, happened. I can’t show you the proof you expect but if you search for the Truth then you will find your answer. He is alive!

  • What Am I Missing?

    March 7th, 2024

    What The Facts of Life, Law and Order: SVU, and Rizzoli and Isles taught me.

    Growing up, there were a lot of people I looked up to and still do today. Most of them are female actors who are strong and accomplished in the entertainment industry. These women are still significant influences in my life 40 years later. The shows they were or are still a part of have helped me work through insecurities, goals, and issues that, as an actress, I had trouble expressing unless it was through a character I was portraying. Before you jump to conclusions about my acting career or lack thereof, let me explain. For the first 22 years of my life, I was either on stage, backstage, or in the audience of my local university’s theater, then I was a character performer at Disney for seven years (a story for another day), and my last performance, as of this writing, was eleven years ago on the same stage I frequented 18 years ago.

                What Lisa Whelchel, Nancy McKeon, Mindy Cohn, Kim Fields, Mariska Hargitay, Angie Harmon, and Sasha Alexander have done for me besides providing excellent acting and writing inspiration, but the realization that I was missing something that I haven’t had in a long time. The deep, close friendships that are essential aspects of the shows they are a part of and continue to keep me rewatching over and over again, the many lives that have been changed because of what these shows have brought to light in order to make a difference in the world, and that no matter how bad I am hurting I am not alone.

                The Facts of Life showed me that I can’t continue to hide behind what people see on the outside. I miss acting because I no longer have a character to hide behind in order to work through what I was scared to express as myself. I identify with each character and the actress who played them because I saw my flaws, needs, and insecurities through them and envied their beautiful friendship on and off the screen. I thank Jo, Blair, Natalie, Tootie, and the writers for helping me as a teenager and now adult to not be afraid of my feelings.

                Law and Order: SVU showed me that, as an independent woman, I will always be met with resistance but that kindness, compassion, respect, and hard work are still the recipe for not only a good work environment but also what it takes to sustain a friendship. Captain Benson has encouraged me to not give up on finding the good in a situation, even when I can’t see the good in myself.

                Rizzoli and Isles showed me that we bring out those sides of each other that, to some, might be weird, but to those who love us, are what make us unique. They push us to embrace all our quirky and strange characteristics no matter what the world may think. Detective Rizzoli is me, keeping my emotions inside, getting the job done before acknowledging what scares me, but in the end, I need a Doctor Isles who notices those slight changes no one else does and who can break down the wall I’ve built around my heart.

                You may be wondering if I have any friends, and the answer is yes, I do. Those whom I consider close are in other states and countries, making it difficult to get together, and I didn’t realize how much I needed more than a phone call, text, letter, or video chat until I moved back to my hometown. If you’ve moved away from home and then come back, even if you were not gone long, you still change, as do the people you were close to. There was no fallout or anything; you just grew up and moved on with your life. When that happens while you’re in other states, moving back makes it much harder to find those connections again because they now have families, careers, and other interests.

                Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for them and enjoy seeing their kids grow up and chatting when we cross paths in town. We’ve started new chapters in life, and that’s how it’s supposed to go. What’s been hard for me is acknowledging that, as an independent, introverted, single woman, I probably shouldn’t enjoy being alone as much as I do, nor should I consider socializing with my parents (we live on a farm together) as my social quota for the week. No, I don’t believe that I need to become an extrovert or make plans on my off days to fill my social quota with those who are not coworkers or family. I am saying that I won’t develop the close friends I crave if I don’t try. I will always be an introvert who prefers being a character on a stage or in my stories, but that won’t help me find my Jo, Blair, Natalie, and Tootie. Nor will it allow me to connect with my Captain Benson, Detective Rizzoli, or Doctor Isles.

    John 15:13

  • What’s Wrong with Me?

    March 5th, 2024

    As humans, we ask ourselves, “What’s wrong with me?” probably multiple times a day. Why do we care so much about our differences, why is it a topic of conversation, and why do we categorize ourselves into little boxes? When other people put themselves down, especially family and friends, we quickly correct them. We see what they don’t or can’t accept because they are unable to look past their flaws and imperfections that, to them, are visible from space. Why do we look past those same observations about ourselves? Why is it so hard to ignore what others don’t notice, hold against us, or consider a deal breaker?

                I know my good qualities, skills, and talents but I see the flaws, imperfections, and what I’m not. I know that’s not what others see, nor how God sees me. Yet, every single one of us struggles with what we’re not instead of who we are in Christ. No matter who you are, where you came from, or what your faith may or may not be, we were created with no mistakes or by accident. We let those who do not have our best interest, and don’t even know or care about us, dictate how we are to be or not be, and keep us confused, angry, and hurt in order to blind us from what we already know but have been so afraid to accept: I am not weird, crazy, or alone. I am me.

                As a Christian everyone, and I mean everyone, has a preconception of what that means and how I’m supposed to be. Nowhere in the Bible does Jesus say, “Follow me, but first, you must do A, B, and C before I can accept you into my group”. He said, “Pick up your cross and follow me”. In other words, I want all of you, not just the parts you allow others to see but the parts you hide. He knows that we are raw and unpolished, that we don’t like what we see in the mirror, or what’s going on inside our head. He also knows that when we follow Him, we will be complete, loved, and perfect for Him no matter what we’ve done, are doing, or will do. It’s that simple.

                He also knows that following Him is no picnic and we will face hardships of all kinds because the evil in the world will continue to do everything it can to beat us down in order to try and convince us that it’s God’s fault. In reality, we have free will. We have the power of choice. Every single person on earth has the power to make their own choices, every day, until we’ve taken our last breadth. I’m not going to take that lightly, nor will I waste it by allowing that evil to feed me lies. I know my Truth and I also know it’s going to be hard, but I also know that through my past traumas and current struggles, without Jesus I wouldn’t be writing this today.                               – Romans 8:1

  • If I Was Born in Another Century

    January 16th, 2024

    I’m guessing most of us have wondered what it would be like if we lived one hundred or more years ago. Or if we’d even survive. I think about this a lot. At first, I wondered if I could change history by being part of those historical moments we learned about in school. Then I wondered if I’d still be me or have a different personality because of my social status, the century I lived in, or who my family would be.

    That’s when I realized that no matter what era I was born into, I’d still be me, with the same appearance, beliefs, passions, talents, and family. This put things into perspective. Even If I were born seventy-five years ago, I would still be considered weird, misguided, and even controversial. As a woman who does not want to get married, have kids, and remain celibate I’m already in the minority. As a Christian woman who has this belief, even today, it is still a hot topic. Putting my beliefs aside, I’m not going to keep quiet about issues I have an opinion about or feel need to be changed. Nor will I conform to what society tells me is the norm.

    In other words, if I were born in the 1940s with an independent, strong-willed personality and opinions, I would be met with the same resistance I face today but with much more to lose. My family would still support me, but I wouldn’t allow that to affect their reputations or “social standing,” whatever that may be. Choosing to stay single, fight for women’s and civil rights, and share Jesus at the same time could cost me my career and possibly my life, depending on how far I pushed. However, the chances of losing my life would be minor unless I lived in states where fighting for civil rights resulted in death or severe injury.   

    Add another seventy-five years, and I’d be born in the 1860s, where I’d be faced with the same stigma, but I would most likely choose to be a domestic servant, teacher, secretary, writer, nurse, or nanny. These were the careers viewed as acceptable for women to stay single while still earning a wage. However, I would also be faced with sexual assault attempts, marriage proposals that I would turn down resulting in my choice to remain single being exposed (as a Protestant convent life isn’t an option), and depending on what career path I have chosen any attempt to defend myself physically could result in death due to there not being a Violence Against Women Act.

    Add another 1,000 years, and I’d be born in 860 AD, where I most likely wouldn’t live past my twenties. Whether from disease, war, or my refusal to accept an arranged marriage, it’s clear to me that I would fight for my beliefs, opinions, and rights no matter what century I was born in. It all comes down to perspective. Whenever I was born, it would push me to stay the way I was created. It would drive me to fight for my right to choose how I want to live. Who’s to know if I would change my mind the older I got or if where I lived would influence my opinions? What I do know is that I’m glad I’m me.

  • Am I Thankful?

    November 20th, 2023

    It’s that time of the year when we eat over 3,000 calories, see family, and go into a tryptophan coma. Sometimes, we don’t see family or friends because most businesses are no longer closed for the holidays, making it even more difficult to plan family visits. Soldiers haven’t been home for a holiday for at least a year, and many do not come home. This put things into perspective when I asked myself, “Am I thankful”?

    After that question, I wondered how many of us give thanks or say “thank you” and mean it. Giving thanks for everything and anything that happens in my life is difficult when I don’t feel thankful or appreciative. It’s easy to give thanks when it’s a good outcome, when we’ve been helped to complete a task, or some other kind gesture. It isn’t easy when we don’t receive the outcome we expect or believe we deserve. Especially when we need help but none is offered.

    I wonder if we’ve become desensitized to being thankful. Is it something that many people no longer expect? Has it gone by the wayside like many common courtesies? What will it take to jumpstart a thankful revolution? This is a challenge I’m willing to accept and work towards. Changing my heart not just during the holiday season but year-round isn’t going to be easy, and I will fail many times, but I’m thankful for those opportunities to learn and grow.

    1 Chronicles 16:34-35

  • Chickens Are Not Vegetarians

    November 4th, 2023

    Why it’s not good to change the diet of a chicken.

    Many poultry companies today claim that their chickens were fed an “all vegetarian diet” while simultaneously stating they are also “free-range.” If you haven’t realized the irony of such claims, I’m here to explain why limiting or changing chickens’ diets, regardless of where they are destined, isn’t beneficial to them or consumers.

    Chickens?

    My name is Jacquelyn. I’ve been raising chickens for seven years, and I have experienced almost every chicken scenario talked about in poultry books, magazines, podcasts, and from fellow chicken enthusiasts. Like many of us who’ve wanted to know where our food comes from and how not to fall into the dreaded black hole known as “chicken math,” I began my quest to raise a few chickens for eggs and, occasionally, meat.

    I’m an avid researcher when starting a new hobby and found several books and magazines that have helped me over the years, which I will reference in this article. What I didn’t know was just how hilarious chickens can be. I started with six: four Road Island Reds and two Plymouth Rock chicks. I live in a small town in Kentucky, so if I ended up with a rooster, there wouldn’t be any noise-related concerns. Contrary to popular belief, roosters crow when they find food for their women, when they want to alert the flock, when they wake up, when the sun starts to set, when they’re bored, when they want to create a fight with another rooster, when their women are ignoring them, and just because they can.

    How Much Can Chickens Eat

    I quickly realized how much work and money went into raising chickens, but that didn’t stop the “chicken math,” I now have 50 chickens of varying breeds and ages. After the first year, I learned that chickens need supplements (oyster shell and grit), proper ratio of proteins, carbs, fats, minerals, and vitamins, kitchen/garden scraps, and other chicken-friendly treats to help keep them healthy, happy, and productive.

    Chickens need oyster shells to replenish calcium lost during egg production and grit to break up food since they do not chew. The Complete Guide to Poultry Breeds explains that protein “is essential for growth and egg production. Proteins are made up of more than 23 amino acids, and chickens require certain levels of each amino acid. Protein is usually provided in the diet from animal sources (meat, meal, fishmeal, or milk waste) because this form is more effective than proteins from grains” (Melissa Nelson, The Complete Guide to Poultry Breeds (Ocala, Florida: Atlantic Publishing Group, Inc., 2011), Page 86).

    Nelson does state that soybeans (and grains) can provide “valuable proteins.” However, they still must be monitored since carbohydrates “make up the largest part of the poultry diet [and] are the starchy or sugary materials found in grains” (Melissa Nelson, The Complete Guide to Poultry Breeds (Ocala, FL: Atlantic Publishing Group, Inc., 2011), Pages 86 – 87). Just like humans, too many carbs make them fat, which leads to low fertility, low egg production, and death.

    I learned that different breeds, stages in life, and what each breed is best for, also come with feed specifications. There are starter, broiler, grower, layer, and breeding rations. I was amazed that “newly hatched chicks can survive for two to three days without drinking or eating, as their bodies are still absorbing yolk reserves” (Gail Damerow, The Chicken Encyclopedia An Illustrated Reference (North Adams, MA: Story Publishing, 2012), Page 121). A chick already knows they must scratch for insects even when their mother does not raise them.

    When a company claims that their chickens are free-range and fed a vegetarian diet, I want to know if they can go outside or if they’re kept inside with room to roam. If they are out, how do they keep them from eating any insects or rodents? Even if they’re kept inside, there’s no way to prevent insects or rodents from being found by a chicken.

    An article in Chickens Magazine states, “Reliance on corn and soy for animal feed has some drawbacks. Over the past two decades, corn and soy have varied widely in price…Such fluctuating feed prices make it much more difficult to control costs, especially for chickens and hogs, where around two-thirds or more of the cost of production is found in the feed. Also, soy is not only the most expensive part of modern feed; some raise allergy and other concerns about using it for animals…Corn and soy are generally genetically modified – around or more than 90% of each crop grown in the U.S. currently is” (Moody, J. (2020, January). Pro Tips for Protein, Chickens Magazine, 36). This isn’t an issue if you are raising chickens as pets, have a small flock that only sustains you and your family, or if you do not have any food allergies.

    When humans lack proper nutrition, we tend to lack energy, have trouble concentrating, have digestive issues, and generally do not feel good. The same goes for chickens. When chickens don’t receive what they need nutritionally, “a chicken’s egg and meat quality plummets; the good omega-3 fatty acids decline, and the omega-6 fatty acids skyrocket. It’s no wonder the chicken egg has developed a reputation for being an unhealthy source of cholesterol and ‘bad’ fats and is often written off as a harmful food. In reality, the modern chicken has just been producing the best egg it can on the feed it is given” (Urquhart, K. M. (2019, Volume 1). Diet Options for Your Flock, Healthy Hens, 41).

    After seven years of raising chickens, I’ve learned that my hens are happiest and most productive when they have good feed, fruit and vegetables, occasional chicken-friendly treats, plenty of stimulation, and room to explore. My chickens are not free-range, but my dad and I have built two coops and a run 30ft x 15ft. I’ve lost chickens to botulism, old age, predators, prolapse, heat, their affinity for escaping, and my stupidity. The most valuable lesson I’ve learned, besides how complex and expensive it is to raise livestock, is that chickens are weird, curious, and hilarious.

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